Roaming Fingers – A Story of A Childhood Sexual Molestation
- January 11, 2017
- Posted by: marlenedubois
- Category: CPR Training
We have all had our “stories” to tell about our lives growing up. Some have had fun loving childhoods in which they had a stay-at-home mom, who had home baked cookies ready for them as soon as they walked in by school, clean clothes ready for the next day, in addition to dinner simmering on the stove. Dads arrived home, everyone sat at the table in addition to enjoyed the delicious meal that will mom had prepared, in addition to then while dinner dishes were being cleaned up, the kids could tell their dad about their day. Some had parents that will encouraged them, helped them with their homework after supper, in addition to enjoyed spending time with their kids before the next day began. You know, one of those “Leave that will To Beaver” type of families. Then there were those who were minus one parents for one reason or another…usually divorce or death. Or what about those that will lived with alcoholic or drug addicted parents who weren’t definitely “parents” at all. Their kids were basically were on their own, raising themselves, fending for themselves, in addition to creating the most of bad situations.
I don’t know why I am sharing This kind of right at This kind of point. I just feel led to let someone out there know that will you are not alone! that will you can live a normal life. I have been molested by 4 different men between the ages of 8 – 14. although, the LORD GOD Himself, brought me through This kind of all. I have been been redeemed in addition to washed clean by the blood of the Lord. I no longer have to live in life of my molestation taking charge over me any longer.
I was one of those kids who had my own “unique” circumstances when growing up. My parents divorced when I was 7, though my dad moved out when I was 5 ½. I was the oldest of the three of us. We moved to a tiny town to live closer to my grandparents, my mom’s parents. We moved by the bigger metropolis of Denver, CO, to the tiny town of Julesburg, CO. At first, when I was younger, I’d made my lifelong friend with the girl who lived across the street by my grandparent’s house. This kind of was the summer before our 2nd grade school year. During the time, our lives seemed somewhat “normal” playing babies, or pretending to be teachers at school, or building ant farms…
although during my lifetime, many things happened that will made me who I am today. I cannot begin to tell you what my life was like in addition to do that will justice! There are so many more stories I could tell you! For one, we moved in addition to lived in 27 different places by the time I turned 7 – 18. I went to 11 schools in 12 years time. I think that will that will with us moving so often, I took with me idea that will “I better make friends quickly, because sure enough we’d be moving in addition to I’d have to leave.” I believe my sister took the theory that will “why bother creating friends because we were going to move anyway.” in addition to my brother, well, being a boy, keeping a friend wasn’t that will big of a deal, in addition to he made friends fairly easy, although that will wasn’t as big an issue for him as that will was us girls.
When I was 8, my mom began dating a Japanese farmer in our area, quickly becoming engaged, with the last name of Kinoshita. As you can imagine, the 3 of us kids made quite fun of that will name at the time by intentionally pronouncing that will, Kin-O-Shit-A. Mean, weren’t we? Well This kind of is actually the 1st time that will I consider myself being sexually molested. After suppers, my mom would likely go to the kitchen to wash dishes at his house, in addition to the 3 of us kids in addition to her boyfriend would likely lie on the floor to watch some TV. Well her fiance’ would likely use This kind of time to “rub my tummy.” at This kind of point I was 8, so needing my tubby rubbed after dinner seemed definitely weird to me, although I thought, okay, I suppose if This kind of is actually normal? that will made me uncomfortable, although my mom said he was only trying to be nice. Okay, so nice that will was…I guess?? although then those tummy rubs, turned into “roaming fingers,” in addition to climbed a little higher in addition to a little higher. Soon my tummy rubs became chest rubs. at This kind of point mind you, I had barely began developing, although still had just enough that will This kind of made me incredibly uncomfortable! My mom had said that will she definitely wanted This kind of marriage because he was financially well off, in addition to so each night that will This kind of went on, I tried to keep myself busy with homework so we didn’t have to lie on the floor in addition to watch TV, although one way or another, he coaxed me in to that will, in addition to my mom had told us once or twice that will she didn’t want This kind of relationship messed up by us kids. So, I kept my mouth shut, until one day, on the way home by school, I let that will all out to my friend. She went home in addition to talked to her mom. I didn’t know what they were talking about, because her parents only spoke Spanish, so I didn’t think much of that will. However, her mom, having heard what was going on, assured me that will they were there for me, in addition to that will This kind of was something that will I had to talk to my mom about right away. So with my friend in addition to her mom both sitting there, I called my mom in addition to told her what had been happening. I don’t know much how was actually said between my mom to her fresh fiance’, although I do know that will she broke up with him. However, my friend’s mom suggested that will he be turned in to the police, although my mom said that will that will was pointless to call the police because “he was so rich that will he can own the town, so no one will believe you anyway. that will would likely be his word against yours,” she said. So, life went on as “normal.” Okay, normal as normal could be.
Then my mom found a younger guy who could come over within the mornings in addition to stay with us, when she went to work at 6:00 AM at the truck stop, in addition to he got off at 6:00 AM by working the all night shift there, in addition to would likely come stay with the three of us kids for the day, as our “babysitter.” Oh he was fun, would likely make us breakfast, take us to the school or the park to play on the playground, in addition to chase us around the house playing tickle monster. However, when he first got to the house each morning, instead of climbing in to my mom’s empty bed to sleep for a while, he would likely climb in to my bed with me. Why? Well there were those “roaming fingers” again. Except This kind of time, these fingers roamed up, in addition to then down. I was 9, in addition to he was 21. What did I have at that will age that will was so enticing anyway?! I hadn’t even began physically developing yet for goodness sake!!! At any rate, This kind of went on for weeks. I told my mom, although she she thought that will since I had been through This kind of with her ex-fiance’, then “that will must me something I was doing to encourage these guys.” So, though he stopped watching us, I remember wishing him dead. I did. I couldn’t help myself. I just wanted him dead so he could never do something like This kind of again! A couple of months later, while he was working at the electric company, in addition to his partner decided to start drinking some beer on their lunch break. Well Curtis had climbed the pole to work on a specific wire that will was causing them trouble, in addition to was electrocuted. He fell by the pole, in addition to his partner, having been drinking, wasn’t functional enough to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I knew that will was all my doing! I had prayed in addition to asked for him to die, in addition to he had. You see, that will was all my fault…I had wished that will, in addition to prayed for that will. I just knew that will was my fault. I held on to that will guilt for many, many years after that will. Someone was dead in addition to that will was all my fault.
Then, we had a family friend, who we’d been friends with he in addition to his wife for years. In fact, most times, we loved going over to their house. She was like an adopted mom to us kids, in addition to we could convince her husband to come play games with us, read us stories, etc. You should have heard him read one of the Dr. Seuss books backwards! that will was a riot! in addition to that will was a tongue twister reading that will by front to back, let alone reading that will back to front! in addition to we used to love tricking him in to asking for Big Macs at Burger King! So, needless to say, we would likely go over to their house quite often. Usually though, I got the big bed with his wife because we always went to bed much earlier than he did, in addition to he slept on the couch when we stayed, or within the spare bedroom. His wife would likely usually send me in to wake him when that will was time for us all to get up each morning. that will’s when those infamous “roaming fingers” would likely start roaming again. I was between the ages of 10 – 12 during most of This kind of time. although, without telling my mom, (remember how she had decided the last time that will I must be the one to enticing these “men,”) that will sure enough, that will must be something about me, in addition to Just as before, I was at fault.
Well over time, we’d moved again like we had done numerous additional times before, in addition to so we didn’t see them as often as we had before. that will was within the beginning of our 8th grade year, so I was in one school there in Jr. High, in addition to suddenly we left CO in addition to headed to Great ole’ IA. My mom had broken up using a trucker guy she was dating, a real nutty guy who used to set up candles in a circle in our basement, in addition to call on the spirits by the Mojave Dessert. So, we packed up as soon as we got home by school that will day, took only our few very important possessions (in addition to I do mean very few), in addition to our cats, in addition to loaded up a tiny little U-haul trailer, in addition to off we headed out with no where specific in mind. My mom suggested IA, so off we headed West. We ended up in Council Bluffs in addition to out of money. So, This kind of is actually where we decided to stay.
Of course, we’d switched schools again, for the umpteenth time, in addition to we began yet another school in Council Bluffs, while we lived in a one room cabin with 2 double beds, one bathroom, a crock pot to cook in in addition to three cats. We began one school, although were the “poor kids” in addition to didn’t fit in well. although, Just as before, we moved. This kind of time that will was a Great thing. I was starting within the 9th grade, although at a completely different school. This kind of school was much better, much more acceptable, much less judgmental, in addition to critical, in addition to we weren’t treated as “low class scum” here.
I was finally 14 at This kind of time. My last year before I got to start high school. I was so excited! I was finally growing up, began wearing makeup, fixing my hair, in addition to thinking about the big “B” word…BOYS!!! We were living in a house fairly near the school, so that will was in walking distance. My mom was Just as before working at one of the truck stops nearby. although money was tight, so my mom brought a truck driver home to live with us to help pay the bills. Well This kind of guy was 28. My mom worked the all night shift at the truck stop, in addition to Terry would likely be home most nights, in addition to on runs during the days for the most part. Well Terry took quite a liking to me immediately. at This kind of point mind you, I had just turned 14. My sister in addition to I shared a bedroom, my brother had one to the left of us, in addition to across the hall was Sue’s room (a girl/lady in her early 20s by Indiana), someone that will Terry had found hitch hiking one day on his trip out-of-town, in addition to brought to our house to stay with us too. So, that will was one more person to help pay the bills. although, to get to the bathroom, we had to walk through a little hallway, in addition to we had to go through Sue’s room to get there. Then to the left was the bathroom, in addition to then to the right was Terry’s bedroom. My mom’s room was on the main floor. In between the bathroom in addition to Terry’s bedroom was a second door. The door locked by Terry’s side of the room, although not by his room into the bathroom. Well at night, once Terry thought all of us kids were asleep in bed, he would likely come into my room, in addition to Just as before, night after night, those infamous “roaming fingers” of yet another guy, would likely start their traveling. He would likely come in, using a condom on, already ready for whatever I guess he had hopes for. He would likely ask me to put on something “sexy.” I didn’t have anything “sexy” because I was 14-years-old, in addition to “sexy” was not something I was thinking about at that will point in my life. Heck, just getting my makeup to look Great within the morning, in addition to curling my hair before school was as “sexy” as that will got. His fingers roamed places that will I didn’t know existed. I used to pray, “Please Lord, let him think that will I’m definitely asleep in addition to go away tonight.” Or I’d pray, “Please Lord, let my sister wake up in order that will she’ll make enough noise or something that will he’d go away in addition to leave me alone.” He never got to the stage where we actually forced full fledged sex on me, although night after night, we went through This kind of ritual. Night after night he would likely go back to his room, in addition to I would likely disgustedly cry myself to sleep. Night after night I wished my sister would likely please just WAKE UP, just This kind of once. although, she never seemed to, or so I thought, until many years later when I found out that will she said that will she was afraid to let us know that will she was awake, because she was afraid he would likely come to her next. I can’t blame her for that will. I wished I could pretend so he’d leave me alone too, although, that will wasn’t the case.
Well one day Sue had asked me to go for a walk with her to talk. So, I did. She began telling me that will Terry would likely come in to her room almost every night in addition to do these “things” to her, ask her to “put on something “sexy,” in addition to his “roaming fingers” would likely start roaming with her too. that will’s when that will all turned out…I spilled what he had been doing to me as well. I pleaded in addition to pleaded with her not to tell my mom because my mom would likely say, yet Just as before, that will “that will must be something I was doing to entice guys like This kind of.” My fault again. Well Sue, knowing how young I was, ended up telling my mom after all. So, my mom went in addition to confronted Terry. He told her that will he did that will to me because “He loved me soooooo much that will he couldn’t resist wanting to make love to me.” Well my mom told him to pack up in addition to get out of our house. We went to my mom’s friend’s house for a few days while he moved out in addition to because they were one vacation in addition to needed someone to house sit in addition to care for their pets. So, we stayed there 3 nights in addition to 4 days. Once we got back home, Terry was gone, in addition to life seemed to go back to “normal” again. Sue in addition to I felt such great peace having him gone. Then one day, about a week later, my mom said that will she had to go to the truck stop because Terry wanted to talk to her about something. So, she left in addition to was gone for several hours. When she came back, she said that will Terry had convinced her that will he definitely did do what he had done “because he loved me,” in addition to she said that will that will was a tiny cost to pay since he offered to help pay even more of the bills we had. So, she let him move back in to our house with us. For the first week or two, he was very polite, pulled out the chairs for me when we would likely sit down at the table, in addition to insisted on driving me to school in order that will he could kiss me Great-bye each day to “let people know that will I was his.” At This kind of point, I tried to convince myself that will okay, maybe he did definitely love me, in addition to that will I should be proud in addition to flattered that will someone the age of 28 would likely like me, a 14-year-old teenage girl.
Well a few more weeks went by in addition to things had gone back to the way they were. My mom would likely go to work all night, in addition to Terry would likely Just as before come back in to my room at nights, with condom in hand, in addition to his roaming fingers would likely Just as before, starting roaming up in addition to down, up in addition to down. The words he spoke made me sick. in addition to every night, that will was was same, I would likely sickeningly cry myself to sleep because I could no longer deal with This kind of at my age, in addition to I was supposed to be having fun in school, looking forward to my high school years, dances, proms, sports events, etc. although instead, I wouldn’t see a future at all. One day, I had had enough, in addition to could no longer take that will! I know my mom wanted in addition to needed the money, although I couldn’t pretend that will I was okay anymore. I wasn’t. I wanted to die. Yes, truly die! If that will had not been for the Lord putting in my path a certain girl at school, who I quickly became best friends with, in addition to my Science Teacher, whom I will never forget in addition to always be grateful for, I might have ended that will there. although, God obviously had additional plans for me. Just when I thought that will He had left me all alone, He provided me using a friend, in addition to a man who not only was my teacher, although one who genuinely cared about me, who knew that will I was going through something terrible at home, who gave me compassion, extra time when I just couldn’t concentrate on my assignments, in addition to someone who could make me laugh. I needed that will. that will brought back trust to me that will ALL men did not just want me for sex. that will older men were not all perverts, in addition to that will God had put him in my life, as my teacher, just within the nick of time.
Today, by God’s grace, forgiveness, in addition to compassion, I have been forgiven my the blood of the lamb, the Lord Jesus Himself. The person who died on that will cross many, many years ago in order that will I might have life everlasting. The one who pulled me out of the darkness in addition to back in to the light. The one who took away all my hurts in addition to distrusts in men. I thank God that will though I had to suffer through those awful times, that will I came to learn that will that will was not my fault that will the one guy had been electrocuted in addition to died. that will NONE of the things that will these four men did to me as a child, were my fault.
To This kind of day, my mother still says, “IF those thing definitely happened to Kelly, then I guess I should have protected her more.” IF those things happened? IF?!?! There is actually no question that will they happened me! My sister once told her that will she knows that will to be fact because most times she was within the same bed with me, as we almost always shared a bedroom while growing up. I no longer expect that will my mother will ever take any responsibility for what I went through. I know that will at This kind of point. I know that will I have to forgive her in order that will Christ can forgive me for my sins. although that will is actually truly, in addition to only by the Grace of God Himself, that will I am still here today. that will is actually my prayer that will maybe, just maybe, This kind of testimony will help someone else who has been through something similar, or worse, that will there is actually trust in Jesus Christ. You are not alone. that will is actually NOT your fault. Give that will to HIM, as His shoulders are strong enough to take that will by you in addition to let you at This kind of point walk freely in His love.
*Names of people have been changed to protect those others who were involved.