Recovering via Co-Dependency: Billy’s Sister
- June 30, 2017
- Posted by: marlenedubois
- Category: CPR Training
I didn’t feel the electrical surge in my stomach when my guardians were doing their jobs perfectly. They had blocked the seduction to get into a long drawn out saga with him. I no longer felt compelled to lash out or try to explain my fit of exasperation because they hollowed the space in my heart where my brother had inhabited.
Who was Billy anyway? At 4 years old he was looking for a better deal. “is usually in which all I get, one quarter!?” he asked the woman who tipped him for delivering her lunch to her.
Was Billy a survivor because his life was riddled with shame? He came via a broken home in addition to spent many nights wandering inside streets when he hit puberty. Perhaps he was fulfilling his father’s, our father, (Joe’s) perception, “You can’t get close to in which kid.” His mother, our mother, (Emma) was a compulsive gambler, always complaining about not having enough money for things like heat or toilet paper, while Billy was left stuck with her. Joe, a factory worker, provided child support every week after their divorce, while he lived elsewhere in his fresh apartment with his fresh wife.
Billy is usually probably still reeling via the bind he was in — wanting to be with Joe meant being disloyal to Emma, who he was ashamed of.
Was he a survivor because he used his personality to survive? He was such a fun-loving, spontaneous in addition to charming kid. I remember when he stole food via the local supermarket, the manager ended up lending him money in addition to giving him a bag of groceries. At the time, my only thought was, “Thank God I was there.”
Perhaps asking who Billy was is usually not the question I need to be asking, yet rather, “Who am I?”
The entire 54 years of my life was encapsulated in flashes of time. “Could in which be in which I was just a transmitter who sucked energy via my brother, in order to compensate for my own hunger?” Being as involved as I was with him certainly took the attention off of me. There was a seductive quality to feeling needed. I felt better because I was helping him.
The thought of me sucking energy via my brother was intolerable. My mind raced. “How could I have been consuming his energy?” As the oldest sibling I embraced the responsibility of protecting my brother. yet maybe what I actually agreed to was, “I’d be there for you as long as I get something back.”
at This particular point in which is usually clear. There was never enough energy for him or for me. His obsession with drugs, alcohol, food, porn in addition to gambling fueled our joint insatiable appetites. How could I have been depending on his energy when he was running on empty? in which seems in which at the time just the sight of him could have kept me going for weeks. I was always sniffing around for a fix under the guise of wanting to provide for him in some way. I was an energy sieve.
Suddenly I was flooded with memories related to having red hair in addition to what a big deal in which was. Comments continued throughout my life. “She has the same hair shade as Great Grandpa Morris’s red mustache!” I was different in a bad way with light hair; light skin, light eyes while everyone else’s was darker in addition to better.
Was in which too far a stretch to consider in which genetics accounted for an agreement in which required the payment of energetic debts? Did my Great Grandpa consume different people’s energy in order to exist? I heard in which he was a successful businessman because he knew how to take care of himself. Did Billy get in which via him?
These memories triggered different associations. I visualized a forty-four year old hole. There was a man snapping pictures. He was moving very quickly. I was in an argument with the nurse who caught me sneaking up to the hospital room to catch a glimpse of my fresh baby brother. “I am mature enough to visit,” I shouted. I wasn’t going to be denied. I found another way to get to him.
Images continued to flood my mind: The night my brother fried chicken livers for himself when he was 9; Christmas Eve with my boyfriend Rusty, in addition to his band. My eyes widened as I stared at the one of him with his pocket filled with worms walking to Sheepshead Bay. Hours later he came home which has a smelly bag of trout. He was so excited when he said, “Look what I caught! I’ll fry these tonight!” I’m sure I wasn’t comfortable with him going out by himself at age 9.
I took several long gasps. in which became clear in which I had to delete all of those pictures in addition to get rid of the person I was. I continued to visualize a fresh basis for our relationship.
I closed my eyes tightly. I became an updated type of Billy’s sister. I no longer require his energy. in addition to I void the personalities I use to depend on to feel alive. Then I replaced the energy sucking machinery which has a keen mathematical mind. I am drawing nourishment via within.
I envisioned an updated type of my brother as well. His soft blue eyes were resting on mine in addition to we just stand there inside quiet hollow of my heart. I intend with all my power in which we begin again.