Adventures in Reproducing
- June 10, 2017
- Posted by: marlenedubois
- Category: Home Health Aide Training
As many of you know, GWE (Greatest Wife Ever) along with also also I love Justin. We love him so much which we’re trying to make another one of him. However, after a few months of failed attempts, GWE decided which we needed to take a more clinical approach along with also also have doctors check us out to make sure which we are not broken. I have no problem with which. GWE has gone in twice to have blood tests along with also also which’s a big deal for someone who doesn’t like needles! The LEAST I could do was make a donation of my own!:)
However, as I’ve explained to GWE, which’s possible which the reason we have not been successful can be which we repeatedly attempt to “git ‘er done” AFTER long, stressful, along with also also exhausting days. which’s also tough to get excited about which after I’ve spent the last remaining hours of my day rough-housing with Justin only to end up getting kicked from the groin. (see “Family Jewels” posting). along with also also “baby generating” sex can be not romantic….at all. I feel like a marathon runner who has no idea when the race will begin, yet knows which at any time the starter pistol will be fired along with also also I’m required to be “up-to-speed.”
So, here can be my experience… I walked into the doctor’s office last week along with also also was immediately handed a form to fill out. Many of the statements, questions, along with also also requests could have made me laugh hysterically if I were an immature teenager. Sadly, I am an immature adult along with also also I did laugh out loud. along with also also, which being the 21st century, I also had my cell phone on me along with also also took a picture of the document to show to my friends. Many of these statements are as follow:
1) Semen samples are collected by masturbation. (Gee, thanks for which tip! Let me mention here which which “donation” cost me $125.00. If I were in Vegas, I’m fairly certain which for which amount of money – someone could have provided a service to get the semen out of me!)
2) Before producing the specimen, wash hands along with also also penis with soap along with also also water. (Because nothing turns me on more which washing my kibbles along with also also bits in a cold, porcelain sink with the pink soap which can also be found from the bathroom at Dodger’s Stadium.)
3) Keep the container upright along with also also at room to body temperature during transportation. (which phrase can be probably here because some idiot decided which which may be wise to put his specimen from the freezer for preservation only to have a family member open the freezer, take which out, along with also also mistake if for Freeze-Dried, Space Ice Cream.)
4) Collection Method: A) By Masturbation B) By different… explain. (Yes, please explain to me how you got which sample without masturbation! Are you The Amazing Kreskin?!?)
After I filled out the appropriate paperwork along with also also paid the fee, I was invited into a private room for some alone time. The room was tiny along with also also contained a sink, a TV/DVD combo, a cabinet, along with also also a slightly reclined “Love Seat.” While giving me a few simple instructions (none of which I can actually remember) I watched the nurse take out what looked like a durable potty cover which could be found in any public rest room along with also also then she placed which gingerly on the sofa. At which moment, the reality hit me which hundreds if not thousands of strange men have masturbated on which spot. To me, which was no longer “The Love Seat” – which was currently “The Slut Chair.” which had been around the block along with also also when I finished which could probably think to itself, “Eh, I’ve had better.”
I was then told which the pornographic movie from the DVD player was already running along with also also all I needed to do was turn the television on when the nurse left. She then told me “Great luck” using a smile along with also also closed the door. I got as comfortable as possible (in which situation) turned on the television along with also also began to watch the movie.
You should know – I like porn! I truly do along with also also I’m not ashamed about which. I’ve seen A LOT of which (thank you internet). along with also also, you know when you’ve seen A LOT of which? which’s when you hold the realization which you just watched something which you never wanted to see along with also also currently which’s too late because you just saw which. Didn’t realize which was a midget? Too bad, you just saw which. Didn’t realize they were doing which in a horse stable for a reason? Too late, you just saw a horse penis!
However, nothing could prepare me for what I was about to watch – 80’s porn! which’s right, porn via the decade before hair removal! First of all, I’m fairly certain which the doctor’s wife chose which particular movie because the dude from the movie had MUCH more screen time than the unattractive, overweight woman he was trying to have sex with. There was so much hair – which was like watching two Wookies have sex. Second, there was “mood lighting.” In an attempt to make which seem like which couple was having sex at night, someone decided which which could be a Great idea to flood the set using a blue light. So currently – which’s like watching two characters out of “Avatar” having sex. along with also also third, (along with also also weirdest of all) the porn had a soundtrack! which was orchestral along with also also continued to build in intensity (totally blocking out the sounds of the two blue, hairy beasts attacking each different – um, I mean “generating love.”) Even the music seemed to suggest to me, “Hurry up, finish, along with also also get the fuck out of here!” along with also also…. in order to not disturb the different patients, I was required to wear headphones. (Yes, you read which right.)
There I was with my pants around my ankles, watching ’80s porn, specimen cup in one hand, my “friend” from the different hand, wearing massive headphones, while sitting on a paper napkin in “The Slut Chair”. I had two very clear thoughts at which moment: 1) which reminded me a lot of the final moments of “Clockwork Orange” along with also also, 2) “I trust I don’t die. I could hate to be discovered like which.”
along with also also finally, the worst part of all….
They must have had the DVD player on all day. When I began watching there was only 2-3 minutes left. Then, which began rolling into the credits. Then, the DVD player had to restart the DVD. Then, which had to run though upcoming titles. Then, which had to run the opening credits. Then finally, the DVD began again! What should have taken me just a few minutes to get done currently took me 30 minutes because I was waiting for the damn DVD!! I’m certain the nurses were outside my door playing “rock, paper, scissors” to see who could have to check on me.
I’m sure you’re probably asking yourself, why didn’t I just go up to the DVD player along with also also push the buttons?? Great question! I tried which along with also also which seems as though the doctor’s office doesn’t trust their patients with the porn because there was a clear plastic shield (using a lock) preventing me via doing anything to the DVD player!
from the end, I finally made my “donation” along with also also left the container in their lab to be checked. The doctors are probably examining my sperm under a telescope right currently along with also also trying to figure out why my swimmers look embarrassed. After which experience, I’m fairly certain which everything can be fine along with also also both GWE along with also also I are just being overly cautious. However, I know which if I ever have to do which again – I’m bringing my own butt cushion along with also also I’m calling ahead with my porn requests!!